Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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