I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize