Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
