Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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