Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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