hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
