dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
