my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
