You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
