I accidentally had phone sex last night
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
