The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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