I wish my penis had an off switch
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
