I think I won the penis lottery.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
True strength comes from lack of pants
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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