i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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