I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
