my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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