come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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