Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
