I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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