I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
