He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
