A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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