he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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