Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
