Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
