I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Let's get the cat blown out
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
