ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
North Korea, Best Korea!
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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