it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I need to stop coming to work sober
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
why is half of my head shaved?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
