I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
