I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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