the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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