It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
