i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
