All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
