My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Too much gin, very little bucket
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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