Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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