You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
