watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize