Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Randomize
