Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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