Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
