Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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