Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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