May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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