I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
