I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
