If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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