Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
