You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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