I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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