you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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