someone get that fucking seahorse.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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