is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
