I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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