I CAN MOONWALK!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
