I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
