she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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