Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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