Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
