My sheets look like a crime scene.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
