i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
