stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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