he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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